Today

I feel so depressed today. I don't know who I am and I don't know what I want. I have all of these thoughts in my mind about doing crazy things like finding something different to do in my life to change my life and the way I live it. I want to feel alive because I don't feel alive right now. I feel like I'm just stuck between 2 walls and I can't go left or right. Starting to feel better typing this... Something is missing in my life. I can't figure out what it is!! I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something to fill my soul and be happy but I can't figure it out! It's like that movie with Bruce Willis, "Unbreakable" where he feels depressed when he's not fulfilling what he was destined to do, help people in need. I want to make a difference. I am like every other human being. I need to find my purpose in life and I feel like I'm not significant enough. I can't function normally on a daily basis. I am off the wall messed up in the head. Although, typing this is definitely making me feel better. I need to know what I'm doing, where I'm going in this life, and that I play a role of significance. Unless I'm happy, I can't be the best Mom that I'm capable of being. I have to do something to change this soon. This is the most prolonged sadness I have ever felt in my entire life. It's becoming more confusing and difficult every week. I want to have more fun in my life. I am not doing all that I should. Who am I? Why am I here? Why do I carry such a heavy load of feelings? I wish I just didn't care about certain things so I could get through the day more easily. I'm on a path that keeps going and it's cold and wet and dark. I'm not living up to my potential. I am so much better than what I have become or what I am. I've never felt this lost in my life. Never. I'm so messed up. I can't think positive, I can't forgive and move on. It's just all the weight (except when writing this) just laying on my shoulders. I feel stressed, anxiety to the point where sometimes I can't breathe no matter how many deep breaths I take. Now I know what my problem was with breathing when I was a kid. It was stress and anxiety caused by what I was going through at the time and it took me all these years to figure it out. The doctors never said I was stressed or had anxiety or atleast not to me any way. So many years and I've just figured it out. I feel like a trapped animal inside my apartment. There just aren't enough windows.

The weather could be a factor for my deeper depression today due to the barometric pressure. It's a dark and rainy day. High suicide rates up north where it's mostly like this... Atleast I'm feeling a little better right now having gotten this off my chest. I am such a good and helpful person and I can't even do what I do best. Can anyone give me their opinion on what they think I'm good at doing? Please. I thought of a few things but an outside opinion would help clarify things. Rainy day, rainy day. My best poetry has been written over the past few weeks. I'm a drama magnet and I have been since I was about 8 or 9 years old. I'm sick of this crap. I just want to be happy and pursue my dreams and I'm impatient and feel too much and think too hard. I can't let things go and it's causing my depression. I hate it!! I hate it! How can I fix it??

Hunger

I have a deep hunger for something. Something is missing in my life. I feel this desire burning in my soul and it's been burning for years and I can't quite figure out how to feed it! I try certain things but it's still not working. I will continue to search until I can find what will feed this hunger and once I do I hope it's something that will continue because I don't want this fire to burn out... What is it?? I need to know. I feel a sadness, a missing link and it's like I'm just floating through my life with no specific direction! Something's wrong or missing or not being done! I don't know. I just don't know!!

Great Christian Song: (by a man-took out some words)
Today I found myself, after searching all these years and I was lost when you found me here and I was broken beyond repair, it feels like I'm born again, it feels like I'm living for the very first time in my life!...

Family

To my family:

Sometimes we don't say the things we need to say exactly when we need to say them. I want to say that I love you all and I appreciate everything that you have all done for me throughout my life. Thank you Dad for taking care of me, especially when I needed it most. Thank you Mom for always being the ear I needed. Thank you Karen for opening up your home for Austin and I when we needed a place to stay, not to mention it was nice to spend time with you guys too. Thanks Tom for hanging out with me and talking about anything we could come up with! Thank you Eric for taking to heart the things I've said to you throughout our lives and for caring. Thank you Sara for entering Eric's life and not running away when he scared you! Lol! Thank you Tabby for understanding my craziness when no one else did. Thank you Nancy for caring and always making me laugh with your funny self! :-) Thank you Grandma for listening the first time I opened up to you and for loving me. Thank you Grandpa for making me feel special when most of the time I felt left out. Thank you Ericka for being the one friend who has never left my side. Thank you Alice for listening and making me laugh. Thank you everyone for all the other things you did that are unmentioned.

I love you all so very much and all my neices and nephews! Thank you to everyone in my life whom I have crossed paths with and who have been good to me throughout the time they've known me. Thank you God for giving me Austin.

Austin, Mommy loves you more than anything in the whole wide world! You are the most beautiful, heaven sent gift in the world. Please do your best at everything you do and know that Mommy never has been perfect and I would never pretend to be but I would have given anything in the world to see you happy that's why I've always pushed you to be better and do better. Don't listen to any negative things that anyone might say to you, no matter what, I want you to know that I love you!!

Forgiveness

I find it difficult at this moment in time to forgive someone for something they've done. I have been able to do it in the past under other circumstances, which took me about 6 years but I had not thought about forgiving that person until 6 years later because I didn't know it was something that should be and could be done. I don't want to wait another day let alone 6 years.

I am now in the position that I absolutely must learn to forgive this person. All of my suspicions have been confirmed and as heart wrenching as it is I have to forgive him very soon or I may carry this burden for far longer than necessary...

This is the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through and to find out that the person you love can just look you in the eyes, straight faced and lie to you is just painful in more ways than one. The only thing I've ever asked for was Honesty and it was the only thing he never gave to me...

Too Short

I was just paid a very high compliment by someone I do business with this morning. He said: "your gentle, patient demeanor reminds me of my daughter's personality." This young woman passed away many years ago in an accident at a place that she loved. This is such a high compliment to me because there is no one and nothing I love more in this world than my son. If I were to say that to someone, then I would be saying it from deep within my heart.

This made me feel blessed and tells me that I need to remember, everyday, that life is too short to be angry, to be sad, to have resentment or to be negative. We need to live our lives to the fullest, I don't know how to but I am trying to figure it out!

Going in Reverse-Forgiveness

"Let go of the past and go for the future. Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you imagined."

-Henry David Thoreau

Do you ever think to yourself "I am in living in the past?"  Well, some of us are living in the past. What we need to do is this very important thing. I personally have done it before. When I was about 22 years old, I was living with a friend at her father's house. I went to Church every Sunday which was a pleasant place to go because the people there wanted to be there. Then one day, I took what they said: ("Forgive") and I decided deep down that I wanted to forgive the person I felt most hurt by in my life up until that point. I was at the point in my life (mind you, it took me 6 years-after it stopped) where I was emotionally ready to forgive. I said: "I forgive you" and I did. Certain people didn't understand that but how could they? The reason they don't understand is because they've never tried to forgive people the way they should. They may be carrying resentment from their past experiences. So if someone says to you: "How could you forgive them? I don't understand how you could." then they have never experienced or tried to understand what it means to do so. Church sermons are stated with forgiveness and motivational speakers say it too! If you find that you can't, then you're not quite ready to do so but if you don't try then it may not happen. Once you forgive that experience, it makes it easier to move on with your life.

If you want to continue living in the past with the resentment you carry then get in your car and look out the back window and drive home in Reverse. You can do it, but it's going to be painful after a while. You're going to want to turn the car around. Your front wind shield is larger than your rear window because you need to see where you're going and the rear window is small so that you can see where you've come from. The rear window is the past which should be used as a reference. The past is a place of reference, not a place of residency. - Nigel Risner

Think about it. If you want another example: take a bag and pack it with several heavy books. Stand with your arms out and hold the bag in your hand. Stand there for a while. Do you want to put the bag down? Is it heavy?

The bag represents your past, obviously, but instead of putting it down, forgiving, and moving on, we decide to continue holding the bag. We carry the past with us and it's a burden to carry.

"No one can make me feel inferior without my prior consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt

The secret to forgiveness is this: the other person doesn't have to know. (This is something I figured out when I was 22 yrs. old and no one ever told me but I heard it again when I was 30 almost 31 yrs. old) You also need to forgive yourself for what happened and forgive the other person for who they are in order to move on. If this person is still in your life, it will not matter what they say and do as long as you remember the statement made by Eleanor Roosevelt. (above) No one can make you feel a certain way without your consent. Think about it...................... Come up with your own example yet?

Plan:
Have you tried to change something about yourself that you don't like and find it hard to do on your own? Has it dragged out long enough? That's the way I felt too until I tried something different.

My plan, 2 months ago, was to change what I didn't like about myself on my own. No help, couldn't find a therapist and I was on my own. Then one day I took advice from someone I had been listening to for over 2 months. Unless I had something in my face to follow, I was never going to accomplish the goal I had set for myself. The plan I am using is called the 21 day plan. I wrote Day 1, Day 2, etc. on 3 calendars and hung them around my apartment and at work. One in my walk in closet-I go in there everyday. One on my refrigerator, I eat everyday. One in front of me at work, I see it everyday.

You have to post something in places that you see everyday. So, everyday I get through and accomplish my goals I highlight the "Day 1, 2, 3 etc." and I am LOOKING at what I have accomplished so far. It feels good to see my accomplishment coming to life. Without these, I would still be doing what I've been doing every other time. I've got to tell you, I feel different, emotionally and physically. SEEING is believing! LOOKING at what I want to accomplish everyday is MAKING IT POSSIBLE.  So if you've been wondering what else you could possibly do, this is it! It doesn't matter what you want to do, use this plan to accomplish your goal. Make it your own.  

Dear Me

Dear Me,

You are more than you allow yourself to be. Ever since you were a child, you've always wanted to help other people. You've always found ways to do things that helped people be it giving advice, hanging signs in the convenience store windows, volunteering or just being there when someone needed you. Someone said they took an experience you went through and used it as an example in their life and it changed their life in a positive way. You have helped people and you don't even know it. You have such a big heart and you are a very loving, caring and considerate person. You have desires to do more with your life. You want to help people and live for a purpose for which you are still seeking. Go after it! Don't let one person in your life continue to make you feel down. With all the people who have come into your life and have gone and the things you have gone through and survived, you can do anything! Your life is great! You have your health, your son is healthy, your family is healthy and everyone you love is alive! Live like it! Stop letting one little insignificant thing bring you down. You are so much stronger than you have allowed yourself to be lately. Who is this person that you are at this very moment? What is the worse thing that could happen from this one thing? Well, the answer is this: YOU WILL LEARN FROM IT! Happiness is waiting for you, you just have to go and get it and stop waiting for it to come to you! It's not going to fall on your lap, you have to go and capture it! Feel it! Free yourself! Live like you are in love with life! Do it! You have to. There is no other option. You don't know how short your life may be. Why spend what ever time you have left in sadness? There are people who need your positive side, give it to them! Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you deserve the same happiness as everyone else does and mean it!

Life is too short, as you have heard from many people. Don't wait until you're sick, in the hospital, lose someone close to you or something bad to happen before you make yourself feel Alive! You are alive, you need to feel it, breathe it, live it, love it!! Do it today, don't spend the rest of your life looking for it, just do it. Be positive, think positive and all the negative things will fall away and your life will improve. You already have an example that it works. Just remember being 19 again, get that feeling back again and remember how good it felt to love yourself and to have hope. Everything seemed possible and everything you wanted, that was good, came to you! Make it happen again! Make it happen over and over and over!! You have to, there are no other options!!!

Be that person that you were meant to be. Bring out that person that you have always been and the happiness you have desired and searched for will be there. It's been inside you all along, you just have to grab it and pull it out!!