Today

I feel so depressed today. I don't know who I am and I don't know what I want. I have all of these thoughts in my mind about doing crazy things like finding something different to do in my life to change my life and the way I live it. I want to feel alive because I don't feel alive right now. I feel like I'm just stuck between 2 walls and I can't go left or right. Starting to feel better typing this... Something is missing in my life. I can't figure out what it is!! I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something to fill my soul and be happy but I can't figure it out! It's like that movie with Bruce Willis, "Unbreakable" where he feels depressed when he's not fulfilling what he was destined to do, help people in need. I want to make a difference. I am like every other human being. I need to find my purpose in life and I feel like I'm not significant enough. I can't function normally on a daily basis. I am off the wall messed up in the head. Although, typing this is definitely making me feel better. I need to know what I'm doing, where I'm going in this life, and that I play a role of significance. Unless I'm happy, I can't be the best Mom that I'm capable of being. I have to do something to change this soon. This is the most prolonged sadness I have ever felt in my entire life. It's becoming more confusing and difficult every week. I want to have more fun in my life. I am not doing all that I should. Who am I? Why am I here? Why do I carry such a heavy load of feelings? I wish I just didn't care about certain things so I could get through the day more easily. I'm on a path that keeps going and it's cold and wet and dark. I'm not living up to my potential. I am so much better than what I have become or what I am. I've never felt this lost in my life. Never. I'm so messed up. I can't think positive, I can't forgive and move on. It's just all the weight (except when writing this) just laying on my shoulders. I feel stressed, anxiety to the point where sometimes I can't breathe no matter how many deep breaths I take. Now I know what my problem was with breathing when I was a kid. It was stress and anxiety caused by what I was going through at the time and it took me all these years to figure it out. The doctors never said I was stressed or had anxiety or atleast not to me any way. So many years and I've just figured it out. I feel like a trapped animal inside my apartment. There just aren't enough windows.

The weather could be a factor for my deeper depression today due to the barometric pressure. It's a dark and rainy day. High suicide rates up north where it's mostly like this... Atleast I'm feeling a little better right now having gotten this off my chest. I am such a good and helpful person and I can't even do what I do best. Can anyone give me their opinion on what they think I'm good at doing? Please. I thought of a few things but an outside opinion would help clarify things. Rainy day, rainy day. My best poetry has been written over the past few weeks. I'm a drama magnet and I have been since I was about 8 or 9 years old. I'm sick of this crap. I just want to be happy and pursue my dreams and I'm impatient and feel too much and think too hard. I can't let things go and it's causing my depression. I hate it!! I hate it! How can I fix it??