To all who wonder

Everyday is like a new beginning, yet we do not embrace it as such. It is another chance at life, another day of the sun shining on our faces or the rain flowing down our skin. Everyday can be our last. We do not know. One hour from now, one day, one month, one year... Embrace everyday like it's a new beginning and the last day of your life. I preach what I have not yet reached but I am walking towards this in deed... We can only feel this ourselves, once we feel it, it will never elude us.

Life

The older I get, the uglier the world is to me. No body gives a damn about anything or anyone but themselves and all the tears in the world don't make the other person have sympathy for what they've done to others. Why are we even here? This life is crap and it's pointless because we all die anyway so what's the use? We are dead a lot longer than we're alive and even if we live to the "fullest" it doesn't make a difference because we all die. In 150 years, no one will give a crap that anyone before them did anything worth doing at all!

Today

Another down day, still wondering what I'm doing here. Trying to find my way and tired of searching. I want to work for myself and open a business and get stressed out while accomplishing everything I've ever wanted! Then sit back and look at what I over came to get there.

Today

I feel so depressed today. I don't know who I am and I don't know what I want. I have all of these thoughts in my mind about doing crazy things like finding something different to do in my life to change my life and the way I live it. I want to feel alive because I don't feel alive right now. I feel like I'm just stuck between 2 walls and I can't go left or right. Starting to feel better typing this... Something is missing in my life. I can't figure out what it is!! I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something to fill my soul and be happy but I can't figure it out! It's like that movie with Bruce Willis, "Unbreakable" where he feels depressed when he's not fulfilling what he was destined to do, help people in need. I want to make a difference. I am like every other human being. I need to find my purpose in life and I feel like I'm not significant enough. I can't function normally on a daily basis. I am off the wall messed up in the head. Although, typing this is definitely making me feel better. I need to know what I'm doing, where I'm going in this life, and that I play a role of significance. Unless I'm happy, I can't be the best Mom that I'm capable of being. I have to do something to change this soon. This is the most prolonged sadness I have ever felt in my entire life. It's becoming more confusing and difficult every week. I want to have more fun in my life. I am not doing all that I should. Who am I? Why am I here? Why do I carry such a heavy load of feelings? I wish I just didn't care about certain things so I could get through the day more easily. I'm on a path that keeps going and it's cold and wet and dark. I'm not living up to my potential. I am so much better than what I have become or what I am. I've never felt this lost in my life. Never. I'm so messed up. I can't think positive, I can't forgive and move on. It's just all the weight (except when writing this) just laying on my shoulders. I feel stressed, anxiety to the point where sometimes I can't breathe no matter how many deep breaths I take. Now I know what my problem was with breathing when I was a kid. It was stress and anxiety caused by what I was going through at the time and it took me all these years to figure it out. The doctors never said I was stressed or had anxiety or atleast not to me any way. So many years and I've just figured it out. I feel like a trapped animal inside my apartment. There just aren't enough windows.

The weather could be a factor for my deeper depression today due to the barometric pressure. It's a dark and rainy day. High suicide rates up north where it's mostly like this... Atleast I'm feeling a little better right now having gotten this off my chest. I am such a good and helpful person and I can't even do what I do best. Can anyone give me their opinion on what they think I'm good at doing? Please. I thought of a few things but an outside opinion would help clarify things. Rainy day, rainy day. My best poetry has been written over the past few weeks. I'm a drama magnet and I have been since I was about 8 or 9 years old. I'm sick of this crap. I just want to be happy and pursue my dreams and I'm impatient and feel too much and think too hard. I can't let things go and it's causing my depression. I hate it!! I hate it! How can I fix it??

Hunger

I have a deep hunger for something. Something is missing in my life. I feel this desire burning in my soul and it's been burning for years and I can't quite figure out how to feed it! I try certain things but it's still not working. I will continue to search until I can find what will feed this hunger and once I do I hope it's something that will continue because I don't want this fire to burn out... What is it?? I need to know. I feel a sadness, a missing link and it's like I'm just floating through my life with no specific direction! Something's wrong or missing or not being done! I don't know. I just don't know!!

Great Christian Song: (by a man-took out some words)
Today I found myself, after searching all these years and I was lost when you found me here and I was broken beyond repair, it feels like I'm born again, it feels like I'm living for the very first time in my life!...

Family

To my family:

Sometimes we don't say the things we need to say exactly when we need to say them. I want to say that I love you all and I appreciate everything that you have all done for me throughout my life. Thank you Dad for taking care of me, especially when I needed it most. Thank you Mom for always being the ear I needed. Thank you Karen for opening up your home for Austin and I when we needed a place to stay, not to mention it was nice to spend time with you guys too. Thanks Tom for hanging out with me and talking about anything we could come up with! Thank you Eric for taking to heart the things I've said to you throughout our lives and for caring. Thank you Sara for entering Eric's life and not running away when he scared you! Lol! Thank you Tabby for understanding my craziness when no one else did. Thank you Nancy for caring and always making me laugh with your funny self! :-) Thank you Grandma for listening the first time I opened up to you and for loving me. Thank you Grandpa for making me feel special when most of the time I felt left out. Thank you Ericka for being the one friend who has never left my side. Thank you Alice for listening and making me laugh. Thank you everyone for all the other things you did that are unmentioned.

I love you all so very much and all my neices and nephews! Thank you to everyone in my life whom I have crossed paths with and who have been good to me throughout the time they've known me. Thank you God for giving me Austin.

Austin, Mommy loves you more than anything in the whole wide world! You are the most beautiful, heaven sent gift in the world. Please do your best at everything you do and know that Mommy never has been perfect and I would never pretend to be but I would have given anything in the world to see you happy that's why I've always pushed you to be better and do better. Don't listen to any negative things that anyone might say to you, no matter what, I want you to know that I love you!!

Forgiveness

I find it difficult at this moment in time to forgive someone for something they've done. I have been able to do it in the past under other circumstances, which took me about 6 years but I had not thought about forgiving that person until 6 years later because I didn't know it was something that should be and could be done. I don't want to wait another day let alone 6 years.

I am now in the position that I absolutely must learn to forgive this person. All of my suspicions have been confirmed and as heart wrenching as it is I have to forgive him very soon or I may carry this burden for far longer than necessary...

This is the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through and to find out that the person you love can just look you in the eyes, straight faced and lie to you is just painful in more ways than one. The only thing I've ever asked for was Honesty and it was the only thing he never gave to me...