Can I keep going?

For those of us who weren't born with the "golden confidence spoon" or the "mommy and daddy bank backing" sometimes we think to ourselves, I am tired of this and I just don’t know if I can do this anymore. Or you think, there is something you want but you're just not sure if you can do it. Or just plain trying to figure out what it is you want to do and you hold onto things because they get you by in life and/or love or maybe even both. We get overwhelmed and consumed by it and on occasion we forget all the previous difficult decisions we’ve already made and the difficult issues we’ve already pushed through and survived. They were most likely more difficult than the current one. So you think, maybe sometimes we just don’t give ourselves enough credit for what we are capable of doing. Just because we can’t visualize it doesn’t mean we can’t get there. We are hard on ourselves, which is a good thing too but we need to see how strong we really are because most importantly, we never give up! 

Thought I was past it, mostly...

I get angry with myself when I allow myself to feel bad about things in my past. I tell myself that everything in my life at this point is going well and there is no reason to feel depressed about anything prior. I am very hard on myself about it and so I began to "bottle" up my feelings whenever I felt that I had no right to feel a certain way about something. So, every now and then, small things feel overwhelming to me and I can feel physical responses like pressure in my chest or twitching eye nerves.

I realized that maybe I haven't forgiven the way I thought I have. Mostly, I haven't forgiven myself. I am angry that at a certain age I didn't really understand things but how could I expect myself to be that understanding when I was a child? Why does everyone else expect me to have more control as a child too? That's what I don't understand. To this day, everyone thinks I could have.  Sorry, no, that's not correct! I can't believe how unsupportive everyone was.

Now, I have to figure out how to accept the changes I can't make and learn to truly forgive which I guess I haven't.

Peaceful Thoughts

Saw a beautiful picture of the sunlight shining across a field with hills and flowers and beautiful trees and wrote this next to it:

Like a doorway to the Heavens it provides a peaceful feeling and beauty beyond measure. Not to be taken for granted. One life to live in high spirits no matter what sorrows life brings. To be alive is amazing and we should feel this gift run through our blood as the rivers to the sea. May you know that you always have a place in life and your place is part of the web of every human being on this planet. Each of us are special and we are all blessed for this amazing experience of life. Don't let your sorrows drown you, don't let hatred fill your heart and try to forgive all no matter what. Our lives are short, some shorter but live them with love and compassion for all.

"Somebody that I use to know"

Guess there was so much pain that I felt that it's hard to break free from the memory. My sadly written blogs show the pain I endured being around this person. How could we let one person get to our souls so deeply that their words devour our voices of reason? I longed to escape for so long and then finally I was able to and said I was done! Another woman gave me the chance for freedom! Thank you!

It changed me. So much suffering but I have come out a better person because I don't want to treat people the way this selfish man treated me. I didn't know who I was anymore. I felt like I wanted my life to end. I was weakened by his mind games. He admitted to being manipulative. It was insane!

Katy Perry:
You chewed me up and spit me out
Like I was poison in your mouth
You took my light, you drained me down
That was then and this is now
Now look at me
Kimbra:
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
Part of me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

He thinks he's done nothing wrong. He blames me so much so and hasn't made any effort to correct his mistakes. No apology from him. But if the price to pay was the "damage" he's done figuratively and literally then it pays for itself because he's gone from my life. His attempts to return were unsuccessful, I moved on.

I know who I am and I don't doubt myself any longer. I have accomplished a great deal since this "loss" of baggage. Heavy baggage weighed me down. I am closer to my dreams everyday and my new love supports my decisions and never gives me a hard time about anything! :-)

Forward

"Forward" Seems to be a word being used by people around me quite often lately. Sounds good but I carry the past on my shoulders like a heavy bag in my hand that I can't put down. I can't help but feel that the past will repeat because it has for 5 years! Why wouldn't I doubt it? Trust... now that's a hard one. I have found I can't trust anyone. Why can't I just give in and give my all and put my heart on the line and see what happens? I would rather take the risk and put my best effort into everything so I know that I tried and failure is not a result of my with holdings. Does anyone have advice?

Thoughts carried

For those of us who have to try twice as hard to make life happen, the road to success can become long and disappointing and possibly even hopeless at times. The little steps we make that seem to hold some sort of promise don't always hold true. Maybe I'm just impatient. Maybe I still have other goals to accomplish. Maybe I'm just not ready! I carry the burdens of my mistakes and find it hard to move away from them. Still I continue this life and make decisions on only my beliefs. I am forgiving and this could doom me or free me. I am human, yet I forget this simple fact. Life is difficult but it can also be easy. If it's what we make it then why can we not control the outside forces? We all want happiness so why is it so difficult to grasp? I wish I were stronger. Without my mistakes, how would I have learned? My heart troubles me and has lead me down a road of sorrow. More sorrow than I bargained for yet I continue in belief that some day I can change that road and trees will grow along side it instead of the rocky desert I usually see. Please Lord, if this is what is not good for me then why is it still around? What do I not see? Please help me grow like a seed that transforms into a beautiful flower. I want my eyes to open like the petals of a rose and my soul to reach out like the leaves that grow from it.

Time heals all wounds

I believe time can heal but will it heal if the reminder of the problem is in your face everyday? Well, so far the answer is maybe..