Dreams

Had the most unusual dream. I was sinking into the water after being near a sinking cruise liner. (No, I didn't just watch Titanic but I did see the title of it while going through movies on Netflix). I kept going further down and then there was a gap of oxygen and then we would all continue to fall further. There was another gap of air and then again we would go down. This could also be related to my playing SimCity of Facebook. I'm on the Atlantean City Quest right now. By the end, I was living at the bottom of the ocean. Strange how things affect our minds.

Wake up Call

So just when you think you've got a good thing going... bam! It all goes crashing down. In one way or more. Seems to be my motto to live by. Not on purpose of course but I manage to make it that way. So, I find out that I am not working on a common interest now it's just a single, one sided interest. (I guess...) I can feel my heart skipping beats and weighing rather heavily with this news. Doing good with holding back the tears but choking on them instead. Not so surprising news but unexpected. It did come with some surprising news containing a completely false perception but not on my part. This is a double wake up call for me. I was working towards "our" future, a "common goal" but it's not the way I thought so now I can only work towards my own. So I will refrain from the "shared" interests because I now know that there may not be any "sharing."  When there is so much doubt against you then you are on your own. So...... that's the price I pay for former mistakes that still haunt me.

Can I keep going?

For those of us who weren't born with the "golden confidence spoon" or the "mommy and daddy bank backing" sometimes we think to ourselves, I am tired of this and I just don’t know if I can do this anymore. Or you think, there is something you want but you're just not sure if you can do it. Or just plain trying to figure out what it is you want to do and you hold onto things because they get you by in life and/or love or maybe even both. We get overwhelmed and consumed by it and on occasion we forget all the previous difficult decisions we’ve already made and the difficult issues we’ve already pushed through and survived. They were most likely more difficult than the current one. So you think, maybe sometimes we just don’t give ourselves enough credit for what we are capable of doing. Just because we can’t visualize it doesn’t mean we can’t get there. We are hard on ourselves, which is a good thing too but we need to see how strong we really are because most importantly, we never give up! 

Thought I was past it, mostly...

I get angry with myself when I allow myself to feel bad about things in my past. I tell myself that everything in my life at this point is going well and there is no reason to feel depressed about anything prior. I am very hard on myself about it and so I began to "bottle" up my feelings whenever I felt that I had no right to feel a certain way about something. So, every now and then, small things feel overwhelming to me and I can feel physical responses like pressure in my chest or twitching eye nerves.

I realized that maybe I haven't forgiven the way I thought I have. Mostly, I haven't forgiven myself. I am angry that at a certain age I didn't really understand things but how could I expect myself to be that understanding when I was a child? Why does everyone else expect me to have more control as a child too? That's what I don't understand. To this day, everyone thinks I could have.  Sorry, no, that's not correct! I can't believe how unsupportive everyone was.

Now, I have to figure out how to accept the changes I can't make and learn to truly forgive which I guess I haven't.

Peaceful Thoughts

Saw a beautiful picture of the sunlight shining across a field with hills and flowers and beautiful trees and wrote this next to it:

Like a doorway to the Heavens it provides a peaceful feeling and beauty beyond measure. Not to be taken for granted. One life to live in high spirits no matter what sorrows life brings. To be alive is amazing and we should feel this gift run through our blood as the rivers to the sea. May you know that you always have a place in life and your place is part of the web of every human being on this planet. Each of us are special and we are all blessed for this amazing experience of life. Don't let your sorrows drown you, don't let hatred fill your heart and try to forgive all no matter what. Our lives are short, some shorter but live them with love and compassion for all.

"Somebody that I use to know"

Guess there was so much pain that I felt that it's hard to break free from the memory. My sadly written blogs show the pain I endured being around this person. How could we let one person get to our souls so deeply that their words devour our voices of reason? I longed to escape for so long and then finally I was able to and said I was done! Another woman gave me the chance for freedom! Thank you!

It changed me. So much suffering but I have come out a better person because I don't want to treat people the way this selfish man treated me. I didn't know who I was anymore. I felt like I wanted my life to end. I was weakened by his mind games. He admitted to being manipulative. It was insane!

Katy Perry:
You chewed me up and spit me out
Like I was poison in your mouth
You took my light, you drained me down
That was then and this is now
Now look at me
Kimbra:
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
Part of me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

He thinks he's done nothing wrong. He blames me so much so and hasn't made any effort to correct his mistakes. No apology from him. But if the price to pay was the "damage" he's done figuratively and literally then it pays for itself because he's gone from my life. His attempts to return were unsuccessful, I moved on.

I know who I am and I don't doubt myself any longer. I have accomplished a great deal since this "loss" of baggage. Heavy baggage weighed me down. I am closer to my dreams everyday and my new love supports my decisions and never gives me a hard time about anything! :-)